Day 24

 After being "ordered" to cut his hair last night, which didn't happen, btw.

I had made a new burning for the "Beer Tree" at the golf course.  It said "Drinking Good Beer with Good Friends."  

Today I threw it in the trash.  He came home from golf.  Apparently he found it. He brought it in with him.

He:  Why are you in my house?  Why won't you cut my hair?"
Me:  Because you are being a dick.
He:  Fuck You, To Hell with You!  Fuck You!  

About 10 minutes later he came back to my work room, yelled directly in my ear, "to hell with you!  Do you hear me?  To hell with you!"

And then he left the room.

I guess the main reason I am documenting this is because if I should happen to turn up dead, the fingers should be pointed at him.

And yeah, I know I need to get outta here, and I'll be able to in a couple months.  He knows this, which is fueling his insanity as well.  I mean, a sane person wouldn't hang out with someone as toxic as he is, if they had a chance to escape, right?

If you've been reading my blog for a bit, you hopefully realize what an emotional and mental battle this is.  To feel hopeless and trapped is a terrible thing to feel.  

But I know there is something big about to happen, and it's something good.  I just have to stay calm and let this play out.  My faith is strong.  

Play Nice!  xxoo

Day 23

 Today marks the 23rd day that I have had to endure the silent treatment.  Which isn't awful, but I wish it meant that he would be fucking silent, instead of whooping and making monkey noises

Besides him roaring, "Turn that shit down." when I'm listening to anything I like to go to sleep to.

This afternoon he roared into my work room, "Give me a haircut.  Do you hear me?"  

Of course I scoffed, which is how I react to childish bullshit.  "How about the word, 'please'?"

We'll see how this turns out.

My stubborn streak is stronger than his, because of course it is.  

Most of you know that this is the first time I have ever stood my ground in this relationship.  

At this particular point in time it is 6:09 pm CST  I'll give him until 7:00 pm, then I'm off to dreamland.  

xxoo  Play Nice.

Wednesday 07/28/2021

 Another day of no speaking.  This makes day 21...

There is one thing that is getting me through these days, and that's the knowledge that my lifetime of being employed since I was 16, I can start reaping the benefits of that.  It is a glimmer of hope that I've not had.  

I don't feel that I need to apologize for being gloomy and emotional.   We all go through different phases in our lives.  My sister didn't think her relationship would end after 20 years.  But it did.

And I didn't think that mine would end at any time, but truth be told, my relationship, for the last 10 years, has been a freaking, mental rollercoaster.  

I know there is something wrong with him, mentally.  I know he was abused as a child.  

I also know that I do not deserve to be treated like this.  I don't deserve to feel trembly all day, while he is out playing a game,  then to feel a huge amount of dread when he gets home.  

Last night, I wrote a few descriptive words to describe how he feels to me.

• Toxic
  
• Hateful
  
• Mean
• Paranoid
• Jealous
• Awful
• Disrespectful
  
  As I am typing this, he is telling himself something funny, and listening to songs on YouTube that he tries to sing along...at the moment is is "One Tin Soldier."
  
  Play Nice!  xxoo

Monday. A new week, a new start

 Tomorrow marks the beginning of the silent treatment.  This punishment began on July 7th.  

At this point he has no idea what to do.  

I am feeling somewhat paralyzed in my body, like I have things to do, but I am so on edge I can't seem to concentrate fully.

I gotta let my soul get used to watching out for just the two of us.  Sad as it makes me put it into words, I was not put here in this life for this misery to be my ending!  

So here's my perception.

As my children's mother, I did what had to be done to afford them a wonderful childhood.  

20+ years later, my kids are grown, living their lives, and here I am, getting the silent treatment for whatever offense I committed that deemed the silent treatment...

And, while I know that going through this process of what he will probably call, "The End Of The Partnership," is gonna suck and neither of us are going to have a good time, but at the same time...

I CAN'T WAIT!

At this point, it's like I am living with his dad.  He reprimands me like a child.  I have so much dislike in my system from him and his toxic negativity, but at the same time, as stretched thin as it is, I still have a pang of sorrow, because most of his history is terrible, abusive towards him and his mother, by his father.  

That doesn't mean that I have to go through it to the very end.  You haven't lived with him, you don't know what he's like at home.  

In my way of thinking, I feel that my kids and I gave him a family, for as long as he would allow it.  He was a great role model for Darlin' D, but not so much my Young Son.  

He treated Young Son like his dad probably treated him.  

Random Thoughts

• I am thankful that I finally can see what I needed to see.
• Patience and Strength go hand in hand.
• I don't deserve this treatment.
• This toxic environment...
• The last decade of my life with him
   has been the worst time of my life.
• I will not miss you.
• I pray every night that Jesus will protect me from you.  
• I hate that I have to ignore your mumblings.  That makes me sad that you won't get help.
•  You ruined my friendships with the golf boys.  You were selfish because they liked me.  
• I dislike any thought of spending any time with you.
  
  I found him laying on the floor in the family room, in his self-imposed exile last night.
  
  Play Nice! xxoo

Thursday and Friday

 Still no speaking.  There have been a couple of text exchanges...nothing worth mentioning, he has no clue even why he is mad at me at this point.  Something about dog manuvers?  

Oh, and I'm not trustworthy anymore...I don't act like myself...This is not the first time he's done this, and every other time I was desperate to "fix" it, to be "worthy."  

Fuck that.  I don't need any validation from his addel-pated mind that I am worthy.  He knows he is wrong, he is in over his head, with his bla bla bla, and bull shit lame ass accusations.  

Even if it comes in a zip lock bag, he will rebag it.

Even if it comes in a zip lock bag, he will wrap it in foil.

Right now, he is running the sweeper, very loudly, bumping into furniture and such.  

He ran the sweeper in the hallway in front of my work room, for 15 minutes.  

07/23/2021 - Friday

He's painted himself into a corner.  He will never admit that he is wrong, so it is just a matter of time.  

Living with someone with a mental illness, diagnosed or not, depending on the depths of denial the affected, is not easy.  

I'm no expert, I have no diploma.  I'm just sharing what the heck is happening in my life. 

My son came to visit.  

Still no speaking.  Play Nice xxoo

 

Someday...Soon

Someday...

I won't be woke up by him playing the same song on You Tube on full volume at 4ish a.m.  There are a couple more that he plays on the regular, but this one is getting the most play time at the moment.  Day, Night, Morning, doesn't matter.  

I won't wake up with a feeling of dread in my stomach.

I won't be so freaking nervous all the time.  

I won't be glared at constantly.

And...

I won't have to pretend that I don't hear him whispering to himself right in front of me, or him whooping in the kitchen at all hours.

I won't have to pretend that I don't hear him arguing with himself (?) in the bathroom mirror.

I will be able to say the word "stuff" as much as I want.

The only one that is ever going to be able to pull the rug out from under me, is me.

06-17-2021

I was in my work room, listening to an old radio show, Fibber McGee & Molly, while I was working on a project.  He came stomping in, loudly telling me to turn it down, and slammed my door shut.  

I opened the door, turned the volume down...he stormed in, "I said turn it down!"  Of course the door was slammed.

I opened the door, found my earbuds, and continued to listen to what I chose to listen to.'

While he has a John Wayne movie playing in the family room, with the volume wide open.

7-20-2021

Two weeks of no speaking as of today.  

xxoo  Play Nice!

 

Thursday

 Took my sister to a doctor's appt. this morning.  We had to go to a neighboring state, in semi-rush hour traffic, during a downpour.

Truth be told, she has always been a front seat driver, my navigator so to speak, on our many road trips.  

Today, though, she cracked me up!  I almost thought she was going to hyperventilate at one point.

"Ok," she says, "they are hitting their brakes up there!"  "I think you need to move over a lane."  "Oh, there he goes, hittin' his brakes, I just knew he was gonna do that!"  I swear, she's a hoot!  

We have driven through the bowels of Dallas Texas during a thunderstorm at rush hour, and she stayed pretty calm, but not today.  It really was funny, to me anyway.

So, "he" has been up since 4:22 this morning.  I know this because he doesn't even try to be quiet.  

He had a shower at 6:26, and was out the door just as I was getting up at 7:30.  Cool, there is much less tension in the atmosphere when he's not home.  But, he came back about 10ish, and looked like he was in for the day.  Can't golf in a downpour.

So he got home, and I left about 45 mins later.  No words were spoken.  I got home around 4, no words were spoken.  My dogs are pretty confused, because up until last Tuesday morning, everything was pretty normal around here.  

I've been doing some research, and plan to start going through my possessions and getting them all in one place, getting rid of a bunch of "stuff", probably. "Stuff = trigger word, apparently I've been using that to bug him.  I tried to explain that is a common word, but he totally goes crazy when he hears it.  "Stuff?  What Stuff?"  In a very mean voice, a very bitter, snide voice.  Like I said, he's mean.  

He did lose his shit the last time I was at the golf course, in front of a few of his golf buddies.  But they don't want to know anything about that, and I'm certainly not going to involve them.  

He sure isn't the guy they think he is.  

Anyway...Thanks for reading, it really does help me to get this down in words and out of my head.  

xxoo  Play Nice!

Hey

Today marks day 7 of my "punishment."  Besides informing him that I was going to back my car out so he could get the trash can in, he has not spoken to me.  

Now, of course you would wonder why?  Guess what?  So am I!  

He's done this so many times before, and I've always tried to talk him through it.  This time, nope.  

The time of me worrying and wondering what is wrong is over.  I'll not play this game anymore.  If he doesn't want to speak to me, cool.  I'm not going out of my way to "fix it' this time.  He's made his sofa, now he can sleep on it.  

If he can't come to me like a grown up and tell me what is bothering him, then I am not going to ask.  I'm sure it's some conceived slight  I've done to him, since everyone is his enemy.  Even me.  

Yes, now I am delegated to "Estate Sitter,"  Apparently since I need a place to stay, I am here to take care of "his" dogs during the day, while he is out golfing.  

Honestly, this is all fine with me.  I've been done for a long time, staying out of loyalty and because I know he's not well.  

Everyone has their limit.  I've reached mine.  Done with the drama of it all.  I'm unhappy with this outcome, because I sure did love this guy, but dang.  His behavior proves to me that he doesn't love me, doesn't trust me, and that's okay.  I know I've done nothing wrong...nothing a normal, sane, person would do.  

I know there is something coming, I can feel it.  There is going to be a change, for the better, for me.  I'm just waiting and trusting the Lord to make it happen.  

xxoo

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