December 2nd, evening. He came into my workroom, pointed his shotgun at me and said he could kill me if he wanted to.
I called 911, he got arrested for felony assault.
2 days later I left the state, drove 3 days to get somewhere safe.
So, I am safe, adjusting to living with friends until my friend is healed from her surgery, then who knows where I will end up?
Play Nice! xxoo
I took him to his ct scan appointment at hospital his morning.
As were were backing out of the driveway, I noticed there was a package on the front porch.
Me: There is a package on the porch, do you want to go get it?
He: *insert haughty voice here* No. Fuck No.
Me: ...
He: FUCK NO!
Me: I heard you the first time.
He: I don't think you did. FUCK NO!
I did not go into the registration office with him. He doesn't need me to make sure all is correct. He's a grown man. I waited for him in the waiting room. My girl, Lori, that cuts my hair, showed up for an MRI. She knows everything that is going on. He was so pleasant to her, and she knew it was fake.
And at this particular point in time, I have no reason to hope that our relationship is worth saving. I can honestly say that I am finished here. I can do no good, time to go.
He told me last week that I would never get his house, he'd let it go to probate first.
And to think that he thinks my only motivation for staying in this relationship for 21 years was to gain possession of HIS HOUSE!
December 1st, 2021
Young Son came to see me yesterday evening.
Play Nice! xxoo
You know I told you that he is back in good standing with his golf group.
Trust me, I am thankful to have my day alone, besides the k9s, but you know what?
I am seriously not trying to be a victim here. I'll be here until I have an escape established.
He's back with his golf group, but I am still ostracized. I had zero to do with the commotion between Randy and him. Of course I didn't conspire against him.
And guess what? I'm still being punished. The innocent bystander is the culprit in this uprising against him.
Do you think he may feel a little bit of sorrow for what he's blamed me for...Nope.
A Narcissist cannot accept blame, for anything.
I cannot wait to get out of this nightmare.
Monday (two posts in one)
I have officially graduated from the status of "victim" to the status of "oh shit that bitch is pissed." I really like how this feels. No trembling.
Staying Strong, Play Nice! xxoo
I did have words shouted in my ear last night, but I shouted back. It is all just such nonsense. Normal adults don't have these conversations, right? Over a word? Over who owns this house?
I am so tired of this way of living, it can't go on much longer. Where I once was trying to be understanding to his mental bullshit, now I am angry. I think he might know it, too. He's home from golf. Not a word so far.
Here, let me update you a little bit and if I have then sorry, but my fingers have a mind of their own when it comes to the keyboard.
So, Randy, the newest guy in the golf group, somehow, after having several temper tantrums on the golf course, and when Jack finally had enough he called Randy out. Randy, being a sniveling little effer talks the group into keeping him, knowing Jack will leave.
So for a month in a half, I was blamed for this golf fiasco because I supposedly, in Jack's addled mind, coerced the golf boys to use the word "stuff" just to bug him.
The most common word.
But earlier this week he got a phone call from one of the golfers. Seems they have gotten rid of Randy for good, and want Jack to come back. Which he did, of course.
But "I" am still the outcast.
I'm still to blame, and Jack is incapable of remorse, regret, compassion, so I am still being mentally and emotionally abused. For caring about him.
I have a very logical brain. I am able to figure out complex things. It doesn't surprise me that he can't apologize. I feel so sorry for him, but I am over him at the same time. #narcissist
Changes are coming, and they are going to be in my favor.
Play Nice. xxoo
I simply cannot believe that I actually hoped that he would try to be normal for the holiday.
Impossible.
He just brought a piece of mail into my work room. It's a holiday, so no mail delivery, so he had to have squirreled away that piece of junk mail for just such an occasion.
He threw in on my desk, then got close to my ear and said, "why don't you go suck a fat cock you want and stop bothering me."
Seriously. Now he's whooping in the kitchen, probably congratulating himself and laughing with himself at what a clever thing that was to say! I kid, but honestly, it's so sad.
I just found an offer to have Hulu for .99 a month for 1 year. Sure I scooped up on that one...went to tell him, got an earful right there. He looks at me with pure hatred in his eyes.
"Why can't you get it through your head that I want you to go suck a dick you want and stop bothering me."
So, I won't bother him anymore. Not like I am trying to on purpose, he's got me so wound up I don't know which way what to do or say. I really feel that just my being here bothers him. I know for sure it bothers me!
But I promise you this. The only thing around here that sucks is his attitude. 😉😜
Earlier this week I went to a dr. appt. with him. As we were waiting for the doctor to come into the exam room, I closed my eyes and started searching inside to where I was. I'm not this quiet mouthed, submissive little bitch that he is forcing me to be. It was a successful search, but she's way down there. I'll find her, though. I will.
Next Month. Things may change next month.
Ok, back to the subject. Thanksgiving.
He pan fried steaks (KC strips) and baked potatoes. I asked him if he wanted to watch something on TV while we were cooking. His response was, "and then what?" I told him I hadn't made a back up plan and that convo was over.
We got our plates, put the dressings on the baked potatoes, and tucked in. A nicely done steak (because I timed it) and a small potato.
He put on a documentary on YouTube on his phone while we were eating.
Now don't get me wrong, I love a good wolf doc, they are amazing. I just thought that was incredibly...wait, I forgot for a moment, he doesn't have to follow any rules of any kind. He can do what he wants, when he wants.
I just found it rude. Because normal people would find that rude.
I tidied up in the kitchen while he was finishing his meal. I didn't leave him much left to do. I gathered up my cell phone and water, told him that was a very good meal in a very flat voice.
No response. And the air grew thick. I am pretty sure I am going to have words shouted in my ear tonight.
In other news, my Etsy shop and my Facebook shop have been performing very well, better than I could have hoped, honestly. I am tickled to find that other people like my style. That means everything,
Ok, it's 4:09 in the afternoon. He doesn't usually start Sundowning until around 7-8 pm.
The song I am feeling at this particular point in time.
I hope you all had a great holiday today!
Play Nice! xxoo
Every single day, when I am in the shower, I have a little convo with my good friend, God. He and I have been tight for a long time, and while I've been going through these certainly trying times in my relationship, He's who I turn to. I know He knows what is going on around here, and I know He knows that I trust Him to see me through it.
Today, a heartily prayed for request was answered.
"Sweetheart" got a call from one of the golfers this morning, seems they chased away the guy that caused the disruption in the golf group, and called my golfer to please come back and play golf with them.
I didn't get a call to join them under the Beer Tree, but it will happen, eventually, maybe.
About that, I don't care. I am just so glad that his toxic attitude is going to be out of the house for at least 3 - 4 hours a day. He won't be sitting in the kitchen glaring at me every time I walk in there.
I know I don't need to say it but I am going to because it feels good to say it out loud.
This does not change the way I feel about him in the slightest. He has treated me in such an abusive manner, that I will never feel any true love for him anymore. I don't want him to suffer, but I just don't like him like that anymore.
Really that's the bottom line. I don't like him anymore. And I can't fake that I do because, dang, that's repulsive.
The things he has said and done to me in the last few months, then wanting me to just forget about it? Boy, I'm a Virgo. We don't forget. We may forgive (doubtful at this point) but we don't forget.
Hopefully, though, being back with his golf group may settle him down a bit. I'm hoping.
By the Way, he's still crazy. I can hear him whooping (chortling laughter) in the kitchen. By himself.
Play Nice! xxoo
Happy Thanksgiving!
First of all, dang, I am sorry that...wait, no...I'm not sorry. One of these days there may be a girl like me stuck in a relationship like this and maybe she will read it and realize that she's not the only one. I for sure know I am not the only one.
His last bit of power, since he can't get any sexual gratification from me (the only power I have left) is to come and shut my workroom door.
Flex those imaginary muscles, you miserable coot.
I delivered a couple of custom cutting boards today. Each had a different recipe burnt into the boards, in the original handwriting.
I mailed a couple today, too.
I am tickled with my FB shop.
And, my Etsy shop, and for my loyal friends that support my endeavors!
I didn't tremble today. Internally or externally. I'd tell you what I think happened, but that would jinx it. I will tell you when it comes about.
He's going to drive "down south" tomorrow, and "see what happens," do I want to come along?
Wait, wait...do I want to be on a missing persons list for years, only to have my skeleton found by mushroom hunters who knows when?
I have plans tomorrow morning.
He says, "I can wait until Wednesday, if you want to go."
Nope
He doesn't think he's changed at all. He doesn't think he's been abusive to me. Says he's still the same.
Wait, wait...20 years ago he didn't shout in my ear, or talk about sucking cock. Quite the opposite.
I told him I wasn't going with him. Now he's trying to figure it out, but it won't be because...wait, wait...maybe it's ME that has changed. I did have to chuckle at that one.
He wants me to just forget all about it, if he says it didn't happen then it didn't happen. Period.
So this is going to get him really frustrated, and I'd bet a shiny dollar that I will be verbally assaulted at some point this evening.
Took him to his dr. appt. this afternoon. His kidneys are fine. That's not where the problem is! It's between his ears!
Play Nice! xxoo
New burnings in my etsy shop!
Before this onslaught of mental disability descended upon him, he was such a cool guy. Always respectful, good social standing, member of the country club here in town (used to be a privilege, not so much anymore).
I loved him so much. I had a crush on him for 4 years before I finally got the nerve to ask him out.
So about the title...
There for awhile we were a happy, well rounded couple, with a decent sex life.
Then, as his mentality was changing, that became the most important thing to him. And it wasn't the same. It was all for him, if you get what I mean. (the girls will.)
At this point in time, as of this past Thursday, there's been what I call a dramatic change in his sensibilities.
He: Do you want to give my dick a good suck?
Me: Uhh, no.
He: Ok, just asking.
Yesterday Friday
He: Watch the dogs (which in his language is that he's going to the golf course to play by himself.)
Me: Ok
He: Ok what? (this is a constant question when I respond with ok)
Me: Go.
He: I'll be ready for you to suck my cock when I get home.
Me:
Last night
He: You can come suck my cock, the carpet won't hurt your knees.
Me:
He: *repeat carpet statement 3 more times*
This morning
He: You are good at sucking cock, you wouldn't even need to put lipstick on.
Me:
He: Repeat lipstick statement 4 times.
He went to golf earlier than usual, and stayed later than he has been, so I wonder if another group has taken him in. Of course, I am not going to ask him, #1 reason is that I don't effing care. As long as he is away I can almost stop my internal trembling and external shaking.
I have never been through anything like this before. Ever. I have had bad relationships but not dealt with someone going mental!
He's home now, no words from him but I am about to go into the kitchen. brb
Surprise, surprise. he's a dick, that, btw, isn't getting sucked unless he sucks it himself, which is where he is going to end up before too long.
Plans in the works!
Play Nice! xxoo
etsy Christmas burnings coming on Monday all through the week!
Tired of feeling sad, hopeless, trembly, unwelcome, and always waiting for him to attack me in a new way. Every time he walks down this hallway my guts tense up like nobody's business.
It's mostly yelling, intimidating, and loud. So.Effing.Loud. No way for me to get a word in edgewise.
I am gong to get up early tomorrow, and get out of this house for a bit. No clue where I will go, but I sure as heck not gonna hang here all morning.
I do have a glimmer of hope on the horizon. Can't say much because I believe in jinx.
So, here's what he thinks happened. Regarding the golf course debacle.
I, supposedly, told all the golf boys to use the word "stuff" around him, because that word, for some reason, sends him into a panic.
"I've gone 20 years without hearing that word, there's no other explanation, you coerced them."
The word "stuff" is iconic in our language. It is used everywhere, but in his world, it is an attack.
The ice in our freezer has become invisible. I am a big fan of having lots of ice in my water, or whatever I am drinking. I like my drinks very cold.
I wonder if "someone" is chucking the ice somewhere, just to cause me some misery?
Jeez, now I sound like him! I gotta get out of this place!
P.S. I know he is dumping the ice, I heard him this morning.
xxoo
I delivered a memory box that I made for my bff's sister for her nephew. My sister, Mary, came along for the ride. I was happy to have the company, it's about a 30 min drive south of here.
My sister, Mary, she is a nervous passenger. Trust me when I tell you that she is the best kind of navigator to have. She had neck surgery last month, still healing from that, but not even her disability to turn her head very far in any direction, she can tell me where every car/truck is on that stretch of highway we are on.
We've traveled to Texas I think a total of 4-5 times, from Missouri. Our Aunt Betty lived there, and we loved her like crazy. She was our mom's sister and best friend. Actually, most of the girls in the Baker clan were close, it was the sons that drifted away. Funny how I just now thought of that.
How in the hell did I get myself involved with a guy like this? The first 10 years was so great, we raised our family, took care of our elders, had a social life...we really had it made.
And then...
His mental disability reared it's head. I have no facts to go by, but family/friends have shared some of his earlier info.
From what I have heard, he was heavy duty into some kind of hard drugs at school in Maryville. His dad come to get him from one of the schools, and kept him in his bedroom for a long time. He also schooled somewhere in new york, and before all that, his parents sent him to Military School.
There was also a time when the kids and I came to his house after a school function. He met us in the driveway, said his dad was in no shape for company. So I think this might be genetic.
His Uncle Turkey (nickname), so I've heard, after his wife passed away, Uncle moved to an apartment. What I've heard is that he killed himself.
I'm not 100% who found him. It was either mine SO (not for much longer) or his dad.
Genetics.
What will this night produce? Full Moon eclipse. Shifting.
xxoo
This is my first time dealing with someone that I love(d) being mentally challenged. I've been dealing with it for almost 10 years. We've been together since 2001.
His decline started when my daughter and her family went to Germany for the first time. My Son-in-Law is in the military. Not that this was their fault at all. It is just the same time frame.
If you've been keeping track of my blog, then you know what's up. If you haven't, if you want, scroll back and catch up.
At this particular point in time (to quote an old boyfriend of my youngest sister.),
I hate to admit it but I am scared scared scared every single day. My legs tremble. I am miserable.
And he is so mentally ill, and defiant. And mean. An emotional terrorist
What do I do? He can act sane at the drop of a hat, but let someone say the word "stuff" he will come unglued. "STUFF? WHAT STUFF?" Or "Ok" Today, he asked me to come open the doors so he could bring our big wind chime in. "Come open the doors so I can get the wind chime in," Me: "OK"
He: OK what. OK what? " Each repeated question gets louder and louder.
My response: You asked me to come open doors for you. I acknowledged your question with a positive affirmation.
My biggest problem, at the moment, is that the car he gave me for my birthday, is in his name.
I know that didn't happen by accident.
If I take off to regions unknown (probably AZ, wait, most def AZ) if he reports "my" car stolen, that could get me into a world of hurt.
Right?
LEGAL . PLEASE ADVISE.
I loved him so much, but I had no idea how to be a wife. I mean, the household chores, not anything kinky, we were good in that department, He was my first, and I have loved him every day since I met him.
We married when I was 18.
The history, while it means so much to me, I feel ashamed at my behavior. I wasn't a good wife, but I did love him like crazy. His salesman number, 311, are numbers I see a lot,
We got back together, my daughter loved him.
Then, of course, what was I thinking? I am so ashamed of my behavior over these next few years.
He married one of the secretaries at his work. He came to where I was working to tell me.
After he passed away, his wife brought our wedding album, and some memorial things from our wedding to my dad's house. Mom had already passed away, but he and his mother came to say goodbye before it was too late.
That was nice of her.
At this moment I am being deluged with terrible negative comments from someone that used to tell me that he loved me. I don't believe him anymore, I will never believe another word he says, and I can't wait to get the F*** away from him!
xxoo
My very best friend, my daughter, is in another country, with her military husband, and my 3 grandkids,
My best friend, Dammit Janet, passed away in 2017.
Those that I counted as friends, then, was the golf group that he played with every day since forever. And their respective spouses.
I haven't heard from them since whenever this happened. One boy has communicated, period.
They finally saw what I was trying to tell them, and when they did, they turned their backs!
I can not count them as friends anymore. Friends don't leave friends to deal with crazy all by themselves. Plus knowing that he is so angry, but pffft, they don't care.
I think I am going to leave this town. As soon as I can. Whatever material things I have, I can get again. To wake up in the morning, 1st of all without being woken up, but to wake up in the morning and not have to listen to know where he is in the house, and pretty much what kind of crazy is going to happen on this day.
Pretty sure my son and a few friends would be happy to bring my most important things to me.
Someone that lives in this house, and it isn't me, is very, very afraid of my Young Son. Young Son made him flinch the last time they had a discussion.
Wow, that was almost 2 years ago!
One of my sisters still lives here in this town, but she's kinda in a mid-life crisis herself. Maybe I'll wait to see how that plays out, if I can.
'Cos I gotta tell you, livin' with crazy ain't no fun ride.
So, he's in the kitchen, I am in my work room. This house (not home) is not a mansion, we can normally hear each other from each end of the house.
*ding* a message from him (gasp) THE DOGS NEED MORE TREATS.
Ordered today. (aaaaasssssss)
Then, a bit later, I'm talking to a customer on the phone, and he's coming back here about being so loud.
Dumbass, this is business. Go sit on the patio if I am being too loud CONDUCTING BUSINESS!
One of these days I am going to be able to tell him how I really feel. He may be dead before he'll let me get a word in edgewise, but I will take that opportunity to tell him how I really feel and I hope his soul hears it!
Now before you go getting upset about me being upset about his behavior because he's mentally impaired, I tried and tried and tried and tried and tried to get him some help.
Just now: "You don't want me to yell fuck you, but you won't mind your own business."
Honestly, I didn't ask him anything, except if he had a good day, which he acknowledged and answered in the affirmative.
This is what I am dealing with. There's no gray, just black and white. He is a
Love you all! xxoo
You know, when you get that sad, that you know you have done all you can for the one you really loved but they can't fathom that. That kind of love is not in some folks DNA, apparently.
At this moment, I am in a relationship with Jack. I crushed on him for 4 years before I made my first move, which I don't even know what that was. He came to my duplex, I made chili.
He said, "let's build a log cabin and grow old together."
We raised my kids. Tended to the elders in our family. His parents, my father, his girlfriend. Mom had already passed in June, before we got together. I prayed for Jack to come and help.
And he did.
We lost so many family members during this time. The rite of passage.
At that point in time it was out with the Old, and in with the New Old. Which is us.
So many of our family have passed away, yet I think of them every day. Every. Day.
I miss them, I remember them,.
And I can't wait to see them again!
Picked up a grocery order from Walmart this afternoon.
Pretty quiet here after the BLAH BLAH BLAH incident on Monday.
We/I was going to take care of our friend's dog, Isabella, from the 20th to the 26th, but our friend received a text from Jack telling him to make other plans. It really is for the best. Our canines are way confused as to what's going on in their world right now, they are nervous and so am I. Why bring a stranger into the mix to make it even weirder?
Carrying in the groceries today, he came out to the garage to help me. My legs started trembling so bad I had to take a knee on the 2nd step. He reached from behind me, but I had gained my balance by then.
I understand that he has no comprehension of the pain he is causing me, because he doesn't have that empathy.
But it does hurt me. How can I make it not hurt? I can't change him, but I can attempt to change myself.
Tonight, I wondered to myself, how I would feel if I was in a place that I lived in, by myself.
The answer was, I would be so comfortable. I could relax. I wouldn't feel like crying.
It's all I ever wanted, a small house just big enough for me and probably a cat. Or two.
Play Nice! xxoo
Guys, I'm tired and weepy.
Yesterday afternoon was another tirade of hate yelled directly into my right ear, so close I could feel his spit on my cheek.
Would the police call that abuse? I don't know.
I had a police officer come visit me a week ago, while "he" was at the golf course which freaked me right out. Oh, but after the tirade that morning before he went to the golf course, I drank a beer. On a Sunday afternoon, in my home.
Anyway, this police officer decided that I was being irrational, "drinking all day" at 1:30 in the afternoon...I wish he could put my shoes on and see how my life feels. I bet he would not like that one bit. It's humiliating, it is the most alone feeling I have ever had.
I am NOT Mother Teresa. I have a breaking point, and I may be getting close to it. This toxic environment isn't doing me any good.
I talked to a friend today that has some rental property, he may be able to hook me up with a sweet deal next month. We'll see. I ask once, and if it's forgotten, then that's that...
I know that something good is coming, after all these years of emotional abuse. I am trying my best to not get in the way of how things should progress, but dang, this way of life is hard!
I'm not sleeping very well, my guts are in knots, I have an inner body tremble, my hands are shaking, and my knees are weak.
This is me, every day. Hiding out in my work room or my bedroom. Cringing when I hear him walk down the hall...slamming his bedroom door (that he does not sleep in, he prefers the sofa, weirdo) so hard that it shakes the house...
I told my friend today that I am sure everyone is tired of hearing my same old poor me song, but dammit, this is new to me, too. Every day is just another trip down Crazy Lane for him.
To have someone I loved just turn into a terrible, awful person right before my eyes. It's taken 9 years now, and I promise you there is no getting better. And I have no freaking idea how it is gonna end up.
I don't think I am at the end of my rope, I feel that I can still stand strong, but dang, I'm sad and I'm tired.
Play Nice! xxoo
You know, y'all...I do not like conflict. I try to be very kind, understanding, all those good things, to other people, because that's how I want to be treated. I believe that if we do nice, good things, that we will be repaid in kind.
This 100% tension in this house is so damaging. Part of me wants to curl up in a ball on the floor, while the other part of me is like, "nope, we ain't doing that."
I am trusting that this is all going to work out exactly as it is supposed to. My guides tell me not to force it, let it flow naturally...
But...kids, I am tired.
I am tired of all of it. This relationship is finished, done, there is no coming back, no making up.
My next step will be getting the heck out of this house, leaving all the negative vibes and toxic energy that only a dysfunctional family can leave behind.
But for now, I am miserable, and I am making plans. Pray for me, my strength.
xxoo
Yesterday he came back to my work room and said, "You know, we could fuck, you could come out in the evenings and watch tv, but only if you want to."
I told him that there were some issues that I felt needed to be resolved, which was interrupted by him saying that there would never be a resolution.
And that was the truest thing he has ever said in his life.
After that, he showed some signs of concern for me where there was no need for that nonsense.
"Did you sigh? I thought we weren't going to do that anymore."
Me: ???
Then he says, "I don't know I don't know," and walks out of my work room.
A little bit later, like maybe 5 minutes.
"Did you just groan? Do you have a cramp?"
Me: ??? No. I don't recall groaning.
"I thought I heard you groan."
So, I know what the heck he is doing. He is wanting to get his dick wet. I know him so well, except for his crazy Mr. Hyde abomination. I blame his parents.
Anyway, after I was finished with my things that I do during the day, I went to my bedroom, got comfy under the covers, YouTube on the tv, both canines hanging with me...
Then he pops his head in my bedroom. (Effing Creeper)
He: Have you made your decision?
Me: Not yet.
He: I need an immediate decision. Are you my girlfriend or estate sitter (pffft)?
Me: I guess I am an estate sitter (pffft).
Not much interaction between us, I ran an errand and picked up something for him. No big deal. I brought the trash cans back up to the house yesterday. I am still a functioning member of this household.
If he will just leave me the heck alone, and not try to blame everything on me...which doesn't affect me at all anymore...
I want him to just leave me be. This is my prayer.
Play Nice! xxoo
I have 2 sisters. 1 am the oldest, MB is the middle and KA is the youngest.
MB is the sister that lives in the same town that I do. She moved here first, I followed a couple years later. So far I have lived in this town since 1997.
She had surgery on the vertebrae in her neck recently. She's still wearing a neck brace, probably will for another month. Luckily her place of employment was more than willing and able to give her the time off she needed. She couldn't have carried on, otherwise.
The company she works for has only been in business for 10 years. This is the "control group" for physical limitations caused by repetitive movement. My sister is not the only one that has suffered from it. The company is more than happy to provide a solution to whatever problems arise. I appreciate them for that.
We split an Everything Bagel with cream cheese, and watched "The Crazy Lamp Lady" videos on YouTube. She's a chick that goes to thrift stores to buy things to resell on ebay. I seriously love shopping in thrift stores, knick knacks are my weakness, the most strange, original pieces, love, love, love.
As far as my household is concerned, my living arrangement, so to speak...
Nothing has changed. There is still such an animosity in the house. I didn't tell him where I was going today, he threw a bit of a text hissy fit, but seemed to calm down when I texted him that I didn't want to be yelled at when I got home. But I gotta say, my ding dang knees were trembling, and that just pisses me off like crazy. I say my prayers for strength as I come in the house when he is here, but physically I am a freaking trembling, shaking, unsure human being, and dammit, I am tired tired tired of feeling this way.
I know this isn't normal. I know that dread is not the first emotion I should be feeling as I wake up in the morning.
I am walking on a tightrope directly over a pit of eggshells.
Lord, I'm praying for the balance only you can give.
Play Nice. xxoo
Do y'all really think that he has no clue what he's doing to me? I think he full well does. And that just makes it more irritating.
I have wanted out of this relationship just as soon as these "behaviors" made an appearance.
10 years ago.
Can you imagine walking on eggshells all that time? Can you imagine that the word "stuff" could cause a full blown temper tantrum? Can you imagine watching this all happen, unable to help or even acknowledge what is happening.
Today I was in the kitchen cooking a can of soup for my meal. He couldn't even stop whispering to himself for the 10 minutes I was in the kitchen. And of course, once I leave the kitchen, I hear mumbles and then that sound he makes. "Caaaaahhh"
Saturday
It's an endless loop. Over and over and over...
Both of our dogs can feel the tension. I try to be very loving to them, and he does, too...but they are catching the tension between he and I that they are feeling, and they do not like it.
Made it through the weekend, with just a couple of upsets.
Play Nice. xxoo
Another rainy day here. Which means I won't get a break from him today.
I've been in my work room, Luckily for me I have gotten a few orders to fill. That makes me happy.
So, I'm staying back her in my little corner of the house. Doing my best to stay away from him. The fact that all he does is sit in the kitchen, drink coffee and smoke cigarettes, means I'm going to have to be in the same room for a moment or two now and then.
Just now, and this freaked me the fuck right out, he came in here, got about 2" from the side of my face, just looking at me, with his eyes all wide. I said, "What? What?" He stayed there for a beat, then said, "Oh, I don't know," and walked back down the hallway to the kitchen.
WTF? I have a feeling that this is some kind of ploy, to prove that he still has control of me. I have a feeling that that might make sense in his mental state.
Someone shared info with me about reporting him to Adult Protection Services. My problem with that is he can act like nothing is wrong, he's the nicest guy in the world, congenial, friendly, helpful.
It's hard to get anyone to believe me, to take me seriously.
Play Nice! xxoo
Just about every evening, when he realizes that I am turning off my bedroom light, and going to listen to a podcast to go to sleep to, he makes a point to come to my bedroom door, like he's my dad or something, to holler at me to, "TURN THAT SHIT DOWN! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY OF THIS!"
Woke up this morning, first at 1ish a.m. to a repeat concert of his limited playlist.
2nd time was 5ish a.m. This time was hilarious laughter, some whooping, some hollering.
Out of bed at 8 a.m. Had a shower, had some coffee. It is a rainy day and I have to go pick up a Walmart grocery order between 10-11 a.m.
Got that done, he came out to help unload my car, still no words spoken.
Oh yeah, what I really wanted to tell you is this. Yesterday, because I had promised and I always keep my word, I wrote a check for the amount of money he had loaned me before my SSI started.
Let me preface this with the fact that he has a ton of money. But guess what?
He went out, in the rain, to cash that check. $200. Silly me, I was hoping that he would think that he had enough money, let the girl that has lived with you and taken care of you for 20 years, rip that check up.
I really am an optimist.
At the same time, that's a really a blessing. Solid proof that he is a greedy, miserable old man.
Probably sounds awful, but that gives me confidence to move forward even more.
There are big things coming my way, and I am ready to accept them!
I'll keep you posted.
Play Nice! xxoo
I received my first SSI deposit today. I cannot tell you what a feeling of relief that gives me.
No more do I have to ask him for anything. If I want it, I will either get it or save up to get it.
For the first time in about 5 years (not sure exactly how long) I have a steady income. Every month.
Can you imagine what that might do to someone that has counted on being in charge because he has all the money? No more control!
Ha!
This is the beginning of some really big changes.
Play Nice! xxoo
This is the most alone I have ever felt in my entire life.
I like being alone. I enjoy my company. But this is on a whole different level.
I have to make allowances for the crazy shit that comes out of his mouth.
I don't even go into the living room in the evenings to watch tv with him. I just go to my room and watch what I want to watch on my tv. Then I go to sleep.
In the morning I will be woken up by his normal You Tube serenade, around 4:00 am.
Smooth Operator... Black Jack, do it again...Call me...there's one more, but I can't recall it right this minute. Edit: Ricky don't lose my number, and Charlemange
I am at the bottom, striving to rise to the top. Once I get out of this toxic cess pool we call a home, I'll be fine.
Play Nice! xxoo
Same song, different day.
He has stopped yelling FU in my ear for the last few days. Probably just jinxed it now. I'll let you know.
My daughter, her little family is in Germany, Air Force, y'know.
He tried to intimidate her over messenger. She had no part with it. She called him out on every single thing he had said to her.
You know what? This doesn't matter, not one bit. Because he's only speaking to me if he wants something done, or to feel in control he feels he needs to tell me to take care of our dogs...as if I have never had dogs before. Effing control freak.
I have, and I've probably said this before, zero affection for him. Z.E.R.O.
Also, respect, compassion, empathy, all those emotions, G.O.N.E.
I am gonna go stretch out, hopefully have a good, uninterrupted sleep, but ya never know, do ya?
Play Nice! xxoo
I am tired. I am tired of my legs trembling, as well as my whole body, as soon as I wake up in the morning.
My sleeping was so ragged last night, I actually had to pick my bedspread up off the floor. Stayed in bed until 11 am, too.
At any given moment, he will come into my work room to yell FU in my ear.
I have to start getting ready to escape.
When he gets me in this frame of mind, I feel trapped. Like ropes around me. I wish I was strong enough to stand up to him.
Tonight, as I sit in my work room, listening to him playing the same songs on his phone.
Smooth Operator is one of them.
Ricky don't lose that number...
If I could share with you the absolute loss I am feeling. I know he isn't mentally well, and that will be found before too long. A person can only hide a mental illness for just so long. And then, hopefully some care giving institution will take care of him.
Oh my gosh, in the beginning of our romance, we were peas in a pod.
I was working 4 jobs at one point, he made sure my kids got to school and home afterwards.
His mom, Janie (her real first name was LaRue), and I became fast friends. I had lost my mom in June of that year.. I really loved Janie, too. Anyway
His dad, Dean, and I became friends, too. After Janie passed he would help me with making dinner.
Dean loved our cat, PorkChop, too.
I sold a cigar box from my etsy shop, I'm tickled about that, mailing it off tomorrow.
Been working on some Christmas wall hangings, I'm liking how they are coming out. They'll be in my shop in November.
The situation at home...the last time I spoke to him (before today) was on Tuesday, I thanked him for making coffee.
"Don't thank me, it's just there."
Following his lead, which clearly shows that if I open my mouth he is going to react in a negative way, which I am getting pretty sick and tired of, I have not spoken to him since then (until today).
On Tuesday afternoon, he so cordially came back to my work room and asked, "Don't you want to suck a paleface dick?"
I did not respond.
Wednesday was quiet, nothing said by either of us. Oh, besides him telling me to take care of the dogs, pffft.
I almost thought yesterday afternoon, he was acting a little less crazy, but he made up for that today, let me tell you!
My sister just had surgery on the vertebrae in her neck last week. She lives here in the same town as I do.
Today I went and got she and I a tenderloin (to split), and some Qs, then we went to the park by the lake and ate lunch. It was a lovely time. We went back to her house and just had a nice couple of hours.
He was gone when I left. Of course I did not leave a note, we're past that.
I came in, greeted the canines, and they were excited because I had been petting kittys at my sister's.
I'd been home about 10 minutes, he came back here saying something about palefaces and dicks...I told him to just leave me be. I've been leaving him be, just leave me be.
He: This is my house!
Me: Yep
He: You act like you think you own it.
Me. Nope
He: Oh blah blah blah, no no no no, nope, then he stomps back down the hall.
I hate living here. Any feelings I ever had for him are gone. No loyalty, no respect, no love at all.
Yes, I know he's mentally not well, but I'm not programmed to handle this sort of rage and anger by myself! It just isn't fair for me to have to put up with his bullshit day in and day out.
Play Nice. xxoo
What I really hate...is the hate I feel for him. I don't want to be that kind of person, but what, exactly, should I feel for him? The last 10 years has been all about his mental trauma, as a child, due to his parents. I can't fix him! His behaviors were caused by his parents. A mean dad and a docile mother.
He was a breech birth, his mother was 40 years old. I can't imagine the childhood he had.
But...that has nothing to do with me. I have tried for the last 10 years to keep this whatever it is we have, level.
And now...I am going to get the "F" outta here, and live the rest of my life in peace and harmony. I've done my duty. I can't fix him.
Done.
At the moment it is 10:07 am. I have been awake since 7:30.
He came in my work room to shout in my ear.
I went to the kitchen to rinse my coffee cup, he sang another chorus of the fuck you song. I must have looked amused, because he got up and pushed me down the hall, and tried to grab my head, I pushed him back, told him to get out.
I started some laundry, he informed me that this is his house.
But he still can't tell me why he is upset with me. He just keeps mocking me.
I've started gathering things in a backpack, in case I need to bug outta here for a few days.
May update later, not sure how the day is gonna progress.
Play Nice! xxoo
As I was waking up this morning, I thought I hear him say my name.
I went to the kitchen, and asked him if he had called out to me.
He said, "No. But I will be yelling at you later."
He came in my bedroom last night, to get in my face and yell, "Fuck You! Do you hear me? Fuck You! Fuck You! Do you hear me? Fuck You!"
Then he stands up and says, "I'll be back to yell at you later."
So I went to sleep. It wasn't a very restful sleep, but doze I did.
Then woke up to that.
He hasn't yelled at me yet, but I think he's more playing mind games with me. I'm doing my best to keep my outside appearance calm and peaceful, but inside me, I am quivering. And I hate his behavior for making me feel this way.
That's all for now. He's at the golf course at the moment. Who knows what will happen when he gets home?
I'll fill you in, if I am able.
Play Nice. xxoo
P.S. Etsy. Share with everyone!
I have to admit that it took a little longer than I thought it would, but the time has come. All this "stuff" that is happening, with the golf boys, the truth is out. I am the culprit.
I designed the whole thing. It was all my plan. Not sure what my motive was, or my expected end result was, but there it is, in black and white.
Yesterday I was a "trustworthy paleface." Today I'm having "Fuck You" shouted into my ear, along with the spittle sprayed on my cheek. This has happened numerous times this afternoon. Chime in with some gorilla noises (yes really).
I made the involuntary mistake of chuckling at some of his antics. That did not go over well.
There's no talking to him. He just shouts over my words. I tried in the kitchen, I knew the outcome.
Back here in my work room...he stomped down the hallway, that crazy, angry, out of control look in his eyes.
"Stare! Stare why don't you?" insert gorilla grunt here
I asked him to just leave me be. "Why? You won't let me?" Told him I was trying to, he just keeps coming back.
He hasn't' been back since, but I'm not convinced that he won't be at any given time.
Dumb ass, I'm all he has left.
Gonna post some more burnings in my etsy shop tomorrow.
Play Nice! xxoo
So, for about a month we were able to get on a level ground. He wasn't upset with me, we were chatting and laughing together like old times. After they played golf, I would go up to the clubhouse, fill a cooler of beers and we'd all sit under a big shade tree to drink a couple of beers and share knowledge.
I even made a sign for the tree. "Beer Tree."
You, you reading here, know that I have been trying to convey my concerns to the golf boys regarding how things have been going at home. Gotta say there wasn't much interest or concern shown by them.
But now, well, he's shown himself at the golf course. And now he's out of the golf group, which means, yep, he's here all the damn day.
Thanks to those golf boys, for turning their backs on their so-called "friend." I told them I needed help, and they just left us high and dry.
Now I have him here all day, and he's not a happy camper. I have to be very careful with my words because who the heck knows what is going to upset him. Even the word "ok" is suspicious to him.
He took the dogs for a walk today. I put their harnesses on them, handed him the leash and said, "have fun."
"Have fun why?" Me: "Why wouldn't you?" He: mumble mumble
Jesus Lord, I am a miserable unit. But no one would know it on the outside.
He's in the kitchen having a conversation with himself (or whoever), and laughing. And I have to overlook this. I have to pretend it isn't happening. But by God, I better not say the word "stuff," or that will put him in a freaking tail spin.
I am working so hard on staying in a positive mood, and for the most part it's working, but underneath it all, I am sad, exhausted, anxious, and cannot for the life of me figure out the best course of action. I'm afraid that there is no best course.
I really hate feeling stuck. I wish my daughter was in the United States.
Play Nice! xxoo
He was friendly this morning. Answered a question.
He was friendly at the golf course under the Beer Tree.
We were going to get take out, but he decided to "Hodge Podge" which means we just fend for ourselves.
Totally cool with that, I usually have shrimp in the freezer. I got it out and put it in cold water in a bowl to defrost.
While I was in the kitchen, I asked him what he was gong to have.
"Brisket Sandwich." (He has been buying a pound of brisket from the grocery store deli every week for more than a month.)
Back Story: He removes the brisket from the zip loc bag that it comes from the deli in. Then he wraps the brisket in aluminum foil, and then...places it in a gallon sized zip loc plastic bag.
I'm in my work room. He came down the hallway. He said, "I don't know, what are you gonna have?"
Of course my response was, "Wait, what?"
"Wait what what? What? What are you gonna have?"
I went to the kitchen, while he was sitting at the table. I took the tails off my shrimp and put them in a zip loc bag. I sprinkled Old Bay seasoning on them, and put them back in the fridge.
Note: I did not put the tails from my shrimp into a ziploc bag. That makes no sense at all! The tails went into a undisclosed grocery store bag.
Shrimp is my favorite meal, and I'm not going to eat it across the table from this old parsnip.
*my apologies to anyone in the parsnip community*
Play Nice! xxoo
Woot Woot, come see my etsy shop!
We had to go to a town about 11 miles from us to return a shipment from Amazon.
Of course, he wanted to go to Culvers, which we did, but went through the drive through, I'm not sitting out in public with him.
So, that went ok, I was pretty quiet, 'cos I never know when he's gonna bite my head off.
Everything was cool until about 5 minutes ago.
"Why are you in my house and what do you think you are doing?" He's not asking this because he doesn't remember, he's asking this to make me feel unwelcome.
I told him, "I am here because I've been here forever, and you and I help each other. We always have."
His reply..."I don't get it." *cue the circus music!*
Then he cheerfully called the canines outside to sit with him while he talks to someone that I can't see.
Play Nice! xxoo
I am feeling a shift in my attitude. Not so anxious today. I was able to get some things done. I was creative.
It appears that I am fine to talk to under the Beer Tree at the golf course. After that, I am responsible for everything wrong that has happened to him today...and tomorrow...you get it, and not worthy of conversation.
Out of all the people in this big old world, he is blocking out pretty much the only 2 people that actually care about him. Me, and Darling Danielle. He already burned his bridge with Young Son.
Hey, have you been to my Etsy shop?
Hanging in my work room, 70's soft rock playing in the background, a very old memory popped into my head.
My dad was an over the road truck driver for Western Auto when I was a kiddo, probably 4. Mom and Dad and me had gone to visit one of his friends from work, Riddle was their last name.
Now this is way back in the day that you could let kids play outside after dark, usually just in their backyard, especially with company there.
I remember sneaking over to the neighbors house, climbing up the steps to the screen door in back.
I peeked in. And immediately knew I shouldn't have done that...but guess what?
Yep, I did it again, and then I ran back to where my folks were, and stayed inside.
Thank you for reading, that was a blast from my past.
Play Nice! xxoo
The saga continues. And October is almost here.
You know, I have been putting up with this bull shit treatment from him for a long, long time. Almost 9 years now, of our 21 years together, the last 9 years has been the absolute worst of my life.
He told me the other night that he didn't want me living here if I wasn't his girlfriend.
Just let me tell you right now, that our intimacy is for his benefit only, and I am not going to bring the subject up.. Trust me, I would rather just go to bed by myself and get a good night's sleep. I would LOVE to wake up in the morning without the first emotion being anxious, listening to see where he is in the house and what he is saying, which sometimes will give me a clue where his mentality is that day.
It's never a good morning around here. If I go out to the kitchen and say, "good morning," in a "let's have a good day" kind of voice, he'll mumble, "yeah it's a morning," "or he will yell something about the dogs, just to shut me up.
But...If I come into the kitchen and don't say anything to him, I get the stink eye and the rest of the day I am shaky and anxious.
I have got to get out of here. I am absolutely concerned about my sanity and physical health.
Please, pray for me. xxoo
Both are rescues from our local animal shelter. They are great dogs. I've had Maria for 6 years, and Mario for 5. I just love them so much. They are so smart, and they know us and our habits so well.
Today, for some reason, our gate to the backyard was open when I came home from the golf course. I didn't notice it because I'm all caught up in the turmoil of my whatever he is next mood swing.
Maria, being the little angel that she is, stayed in the back yard. Mario, however, set off on an adventure. I headed one way around the block, whatever he is went the opposite direction.
Both of us yelling "MAR-EEE-OOO." Because when you dog is missing, you holler for it to come home.
Of course, yelling at the top of our lungs is bound to get some neighbors involved. I was about half way around the block, when I turned to go back home. One of us needed to be there when he came back.
So, I am sweating, huffing and puffing, when I see the neighbor lady point, and there he was!
I called him and he came running like he'd been lost for hours!
So here's where the crazy part comes in. Of course it is about whatever he is.
We were a team effort to find our dog. I tried to extend that to having a sit on the patio. Nope.
Totally ignored. And honestly, I am the only person in this world that cares for him. Well, used to.
Not so much now. Like, really, zero cares.
I have big things coming up, I don't know what they are yet but I can feel they are coming, as soon as I can shed this craptastic life for one that I will enjoy. I figure I have about 40 more years left. I want them to be awesome!
Play Nice! xxoo
Today, like most days, I cruised up to the golf course to have a couple beers under the beer tree with the guys.
One by one, they take off, until just 3 of us were left.
Myself, whatever he is, and a good friend, Tommy.
Tommy's wife is not well. She has pretty bad dementia. I asked Tommy if she was combative or mean. He said no.
Then, my whatever, said, "Oh, yeah, that's really bad if they get mean."
My freaking jaw hit the floor. I was absolutely flabbergasted.
So I looked right at him and said, "It really is hard when they get mean." Honestly, I doubt that he made the connection.
Because let me tell you, this guy, he's mean. He's not physical, much, probably because he knows I would tell my son. But emotionally, I am being put through the wringer.
Not for much longer, though. I'm not quite sure what is going to happen, but I know it's gonna be big and it's gonna be great!
This is the next cigar box, I'm listing it as soon as I post this.
I wonder sometimes what would have happened if I had made a different choice.
But then, I think, I love my kids, and I love my grands. So why would I have done anything different back then?
Now, though...my kids are grown. Of course they still need me, but they aren't dependent on me.
In my mind, I have done my maternal duty. I've been a good mom, I've raised 2 good kids, I have 3 grands that I love to death. I want to help him, my whatever he is, but he blocks me at every turn,.
His undiagnosed illness is affecting me in a huge way. I don't like being on an emotional yo-yo.
The word I was looking for is "outgrown." I've outgrown him. I don't want to keep on having the same old conversations, word for word. Every. Single, Time.
He started telling the golf boys about my hematoma back in 2005. I cut in, saying they have heard this story a hundred times, but he still told it, word for word. 16 years ago, and he's still telling the story!
So here's my dilema:
But for the last 9 years, his mental capacity has dwindled. He is still able to play golf with his friends, but with me, he is angry, ugly, mean, probably everything he is feeling with his mentalities are damaged.
He is very moody. I have to be very careful as to how I approach him. And I still go to bed every night praying that I wake up the next morning. I have grands, I can't leave now!
Soon. Very soon. I am going to be able to live the life I have been wanting for so long.
Play Nice! xxoo
I woke up this morning with 2 orders from my FB shop! I got an order for two burnings from a new friend I met in my neighborhood on Friday, so this girl is feeling pretty blessed right now.
No words have been spoken between he and I since yesterday afternoon. And all that was to thank him for getting my sparkling water. I don't like regular tap water, especially out of 30 year old pipes.
Took my canines for a walk this afternoon. The high temp is about 80 degrees F, so quite comfortable.
I posted this in my Etsy shop this afternoon.
Hey! Thought I would do a bullet list just a few of his strange quirks. Believe me, there are more!
He does not want any trash in the trash can appointed to the bathrooms. The trash cans in my bedroom and work-room are fine to use.
He just now cleaned the toilet in "his" bathroom. That is supposed to be my cue to clean mine. Guess what?
Nothing has been said about dinner. I tried to start a conversation earlier and was met with a lot of yelling and some really toxic vibes.
So, I'm just gonna do what I do. Hang out in my work room and go to bed when it's time.
Pray that I wake up in the morning.
~~~~
Yay! Woke up this morning!
Today is his birthday. I have not mentioned it.
He gives the dogs baby carrots. Baby carrots come from the grocery store in a zip lock bag. He must transfer the baby carrots from the zip lock that they came in, into a ziplock bag that he purchased, and will throw away after all the baby carrots are gone.
When he buys food from the deli in our grocery store, it comes in a zip lock bag. When this deli meat enters our home it is immediately transferred to a sheet of aluminum foil, folded in on all four sides, then placed in a zip lock bag, that he purchased, and will throw away after all the meat is gone.
He locks the bathroom door to do #2. I've never walked in on him. He always does #2 in "his" bathroom, but he will pee in the utility room bathroom with the door open.
I can't make this "stuff" up. See what I did there? I gotta keep my sense of humor in there somehow. I haven't had a good laugh in I couldn't tell you when the last time was.
I can tell you that this relationship, the way it turned out, was the worst thing I could have anticipated.
I ignored the red flags.
I hoped for the best.
I tried and tried and tried...and now I'm tired.
On a high note, because I still count my blessings. I made a new friend in the neighborhood yesterday, and today she ordered a couple pieces from my etsy shop! I am really looking forward to getting to know her a little better. It would be so nice to have a friend just around the block.
I've been so lonesome the last couple years. Dammit Janet gone 4 years in just a few days, Darlin' Danielle and my g-kids in Germany for 3 more years...
Now, don't get me wrong. I have a tribe of cyber friends, that I cherish in my heart. They know me better than any one single person on the planet, besides my kids, and they don't as much as they think they know.
This Just In: After a trip to the kitchen, this reporter found that her whatever he is laying on the family room floor. There will be no further actions, nor interacting with said whatever he is.
In most habitats, especially when you share a home with someone that is never wrong, these above mentioned tactics are equivalent to what a person would call, a "tantrum."
When dealing with a Toddler having a tantrum, it's advised to help them figure out what is frustrating them.
When dealing with an Adult (which I do not recommend), one smidgen of attention will give them all the allowance they need to blame every single solitary thing that has ruined their lives on anyone but themselves, but usually, their partner. Understand that they will continue to be what people think they are in public, but at home it is an entirely different situation. They will punish, degrade, belittle the people that actually care (or cared) about them.
Their absolute disrespect and contempt they show the people that care for them is toxic. Unless they want something, which is usually something that satisfies them. They don't care about anyone else.
5:32 pm on September 3, 2021
He just came into my work room, and yelled, "GO TO HELL! DO YOU HEAR ME? GO TO HELL!
Please understand, I am not trying to be a victim or a martyr. I'm just sharing what is going on in my life at this moment. I'm not asking for anything, except your understanding of what I'm going through. Maybe some female in your life is dealing with the same thing. We don't like to talk about it because we'll be found out and punished. Luckily, hopefully, my whatever he is has no idea how to get to this site.
I'm adding some boxes to my etsy shop, but probably not until tomorrow. I need to have a nice lay down and breathe session.
Thanks for reading, and Play Nice! xxoo
PS I am always going to regret not getting a nanny cam.
But it really isn't. Today is his birthday. His 66th. I've not mentioned it nor will I.
Went up to the golf course to have a couple beers with the boys under the shade tree. Didn't much acknowledge him there...I mean, if you want to park 5 feet behind me, I'm certainly not going to crane my neck to have a whatever conversation with someone that slams doors and has tantrums over hearing the word "stuff."
Honestly, I just can't be bothered. He just asked me a question while slamming his bedroom door in a loud and obnoxious way. I said, "what, I didn't hear you," but he just kept on walking, cheerily calling the dogs to go sit outside on the patio with him.
Now what I am supposed to do, is to come out to the patio, to try to ease him into a better mood. This whole incident would absolutely be turned around so that I would be defending myself. He's slick like that. I have him figured out now, though.
If I did that, he would immediately go into what I call "Tantrum Protection Mode." I wouldn't get a word in edgewise, and he'd feel free to yell at me. And when he "yells at me" I mean he is down right mean.
He: Why don't you just go to bed? (at 7:30. I'm not going out to the family room for TV tonight.)
He: Why are you still in my house?
He: Don't you want a boyfriend that you want to do things with?
He: NO NO NO! I DO NOT AGREE! INTIMIDATE! YOU ARE INTIMIDATING ME WITH YOUR WORDS!
So, nope, not going out there right this minute, or anytime soon. I am my number 1 priority right now. And I know that things out there are aligning for me. I know that everything is going to happen at the exact time it is supposed to happen.
I found out earlier today that one of my closest friends has been reading my blog. Hey, Pambler! Just knowing that she knows what's really going on around here, she's local, and she's loyal, is a comfort to me.
There are a few of my friends that I confide in, mostly cyber friends and of course my Darlin' Danielle. I know I'm in a needy place right now and I appreciate the support. It/I won't always be like this. I am thinking positive thoughts about my next move, because come on, we all know it's coming. It has to.
Play Nice! xxoo
I've been seeing some really good signs that there is something big coming my way. Synchronicities have been happening, even some of the things folks have posted on FB seem to be especially for me.
So, about manifesting, the way I understand it is that you make an intention, and God/The Universe, etc can and will make this become your reality.
Gotta be careful, because while you're doing it, you must keep your thoughts as positive as you can. You can't be growling about yesterday, it's just getting in the way of today.
As you know, my life and living conditions are not sprinkled with sugar these days.
But I'm still getting up every morning, and I'm setting those intentions. I'm seeing them happen in my head. I want this so badly, and have for so long, it has get to be getting close to getting here.
I'ma keep hoping, believing, and manifesting until it happens.
Oh, here's a cigar box I've done. One of my favorites! Come take a look at my shop!
Today I turned 62 years old. Or,as I like to say, Level 62.
Last year for my birthday, he absolutely ignored the whole day, sending gifts to my daughter in Germany for some reason...never wished me a happy birthday, nothing.
So, last week, I had the brilliant idea to fry up a bunch of chicken legs to take to the golf course to celebrate both of our birthdays. His is 9/3. That way there would be no way for him to forget.
The chicken legs turned out great! So many compliments, and I made enough for everyone to have some the next day, too.
He didn't forget. He chose not to acknowledge. He made the same choice this morning.
Me: Good Morning
He: It is a morning.
Me: *seeing as he's not left or made any coffee for me, I proceed to make it myself..
He: *goes outside with the dogs, and stood where I couldn't see him from the table.
Me: *gets up from table to get my coffee.
He: *goes to his bathroom, chortles and chuckles at himself in the mirror.
Me: *went to take a shower.
He: *gone to the golf course.
So...I'm curious if he will call me to come have beers with them at the golf course today. I usually go up when they have 2 more holes to play, fill up a cooler, and we all sit under the shade tree to visit a little bit.
But...since it's my birthday, and they boys will be give me attention, the narcissist in him can't handle that, so I doubt I will get a call.
I've learned in this old world that "you get what you give," and this whatever he is of mine is going to get what he gives back. He has absolutely shredded any feelings of loyalty, friendship, relationship, loving feelings, it's all gone.
It has taken 8 years, and countless tantrums to totally destroy us.
And now all I have to do is stay calm, cool and collected. He is a lost cause.
I will remind you to Play Nice, but I can't promise that I'm going to, especially the next few days. xxoo
I tell you what, I am about sick and tired of walking on eggshells. He has been trying to be angry with me for the past 2 days now, today being giving me the silent treatment, again.
We had what I thought was a good week, but of course he has to make up some "wrong" that has befallen him, probably by me, Pffft. I've done nothing but bend over backwards this week to keep him level.
He simply cannot communicate as an adult. He is so over his head right now. He can not conversate. All he can do is repeat the same old stories, from long ago and far away, the way he remembers them.
He decided not to play golf today, lucky me. I've been in my work room all day, and will continue to stay out of his line of fire.
I probably don't need to say how much anxiety I am feeling. But guys, it's thick and tense in this house.
I have a sneaking suspicion that me starting to get my SSI payments, has somehow threatened him. He won't have control of me moneywise, and before too long I won't need him. I will no longer be so totally dependent on him. 1 more month. Just one more. Get through September, I can do this.
You know, that can't be right, because I would think that this would be a good time to get on my good side, make my life here a little less stressful, because he needs me way more than I need him.
But, again, he wouldn't do that because he's incapable. Incapable of remorse, regret, or being wrong. He cannot accept responsibility for his actions. Always "someone/something" else
At the moment he is giggling and laughing in the kitchen, using his high voice.
Are you as surprised as I am that I am not insane yet? Maybe I am? I hope not.
Play Nice! xxoo
PS *I've been posting in my etsy shop every couple days, come take a look.
It's so weird getting to be this age. I'll be 62 at the end of this month, and my Social Security starts in October.
I've never been this age before, so now, as ever, I'm just winging this. We all are. But wow, I know I don't feel any different than I did my whole life. I know I'm a lot smarter than I used to be, but I was just winging it then, too.
I am actually looking into 55+ neighborhoods.
I have to remember to ask for a senior discount, and that is weird as well.
When the Corona Virus reared it's ugly head, I was surprised when our neighbors came over to check on us. "We" are now the young elderly in our neighborhood.
Next time you see an elderly person, try to remember that we are only as old as we feel, and most of us are still very young at heart. We look "different" but most of us are still sharp as tacks, and can come up with a quick, sassy, sarcastic remark as easily as you youngsters can. The truth is, we don't hold back, nor care if you approve of anything we have to say or do. We have earned the right to say what we mean and do what we want.
Play Nice! xxoo
He keeps telling me, via text, that he doesn't know what I want.
I don't want anything from the ordinary. Basic decency.
He went out to the patio this evening Thinking along the lines of communicating, I went out there, too.
I started one conversation about the tomato plants, He got up and walked away.
To test this, I waited until he sat back down and asked him about the weather.
He got up and walked away.
It had been 30 days on August 6th, and I have to admit, the tension and the toxicity around here was taking a physical toll on me. I was weak, shaky, and just did not feel good at all.
He came home from golf. I asked him if he was tired of all this yet. He said, "We can call a truce."
A truce means that he does not have to acknowledge nor talk about his actions the last few days.
A truce means that I have to swallow my indignation at being treated that way.
But, a truce means the tension is lighter, and I'm feeling better. Physically that is. Emotionally, not to be a drama queen, but emotionally I am still pretty crushed by the hate and disrespect that he has shown me...
Then I have to remember, diagnosed or not, I know he has a mental imbalance. I know this is beyond his feeble control. And every chance he gets to stay in control, he is gonna take.
So, the next time that he gets a notion that he can say whatever he wants to me, I am going to follow suit. The next time (and you know there will be one) I am not going to be the quiet, take it, girl. Being quiet didn't work, so maybe I'll just pull out as much crazy as he does and let him have it! Can't hurt, right?
I know no one is reading my posts now, and that's ok, it's more of an outlet at this point anyway.
Who knows, maybe some person will stumble across it and maybe it will help them through something they are going through.
Whatever, I am going to keep updating about this. I have a feeling that we are on the downward slope in this illness, and when the time is right, I'll have some friends to help me. I don't think it will take very much longer.
Ultimately, wouldn't you think that he knows something is wrong? I mean, maybe not? Maybe seeing people that I can't and having conversations with them seems normal to him. It has been 8 years that this has been going on and it isn't getting any better.
So, Pray for Me, for strength and kindness, and Play Nice! xxoo
Our friend, Steve, and his dog, Isabella, came to visit me. I don't know where "he" was, I think maybe out poop-scooping...
I am miserable. My legs tremble. I am still not going to stoop to his level of immaturity.
What I finally realize, is that he is not capable of adult conversation.
We've had the "same" conversations several times. Over and over and over, word for word.
Can you imagine?
After being "ordered" to cut his hair last night, which didn't happen, btw.
I had made a new burning for the "Beer Tree" at the golf course. It said "Drinking Good Beer with Good Friends."
Today I threw it in the trash. He came home from golf. Apparently he found it. He brought it in with him.
He: Why are you in my house? Why won't you cut my hair?"
Me: Because you are being a dick.
He: Fuck You, To Hell with You! Fuck You!
About 10 minutes later he came back to my work room, yelled directly in my ear, "to hell with you! Do you hear me? To hell with you!"
And then he left the room.
I guess the main reason I am documenting this is because if I should happen to turn up dead, the fingers should be pointed at him.
And yeah, I know I need to get outta here, and I'll be able to in a couple months. He knows this, which is fueling his insanity as well. I mean, a sane person wouldn't hang out with someone as toxic as he is, if they had a chance to escape, right?
If you've been reading my blog for a bit, you hopefully realize what an emotional and mental battle this is. To feel hopeless and trapped is a terrible thing to feel.
But I know there is something big about to happen, and it's something good. I just have to stay calm and let this play out. My faith is strong.
Play Nice! xxoo
Today marks the 23rd day that I have had to endure the silent treatment. Which isn't awful, but I wish it meant that he would be fucking silent, instead of whooping and making monkey noises
Besides him roaring, "Turn that shit down." when I'm listening to anything I like to go to sleep to.
This afternoon he roared into my work room, "Give me a haircut. Do you hear me?"
Of course I scoffed, which is how I react to childish bullshit. "How about the word, 'please'?"
We'll see how this turns out.
My stubborn streak is stronger than his, because of course it is.
Most of you know that this is the first time I have ever stood my ground in this relationship.
At this particular point in time it is 6:09 pm CST I'll give him until 7:00 pm, then I'm off to dreamland.
xxoo Play Nice.
Another day of no speaking. This makes day 21...
There is one thing that is getting me through these days, and that's the knowledge that my lifetime of being employed since I was 16, I can start reaping the benefits of that. It is a glimmer of hope that I've not had.
I don't feel that I need to apologize for being gloomy and emotional. We all go through different phases in our lives. My sister didn't think her relationship would end after 20 years. But it did.
And I didn't think that mine would end at any time, but truth be told, my relationship, for the last 10 years, has been a freaking, mental rollercoaster.
I know there is something wrong with him, mentally. I know he was abused as a child.
I also know that I do not deserve to be treated like this. I don't deserve to feel trembly all day, while he is out playing a game, then to feel a huge amount of dread when he gets home.
Last night, I wrote a few descriptive words to describe how he feels to me.
Tomorrow marks the beginning of the silent treatment. This punishment began on July 7th.
At this point he has no idea what to do.
I am feeling somewhat paralyzed in my body, like I have things to do, but I am so on edge I can't seem to concentrate fully.
I gotta let my soul get used to watching out for just the two of us. Sad as it makes me put it into words, I was not put here in this life for this misery to be my ending!
So here's my perception.
As my children's mother, I did what had to be done to afford them a wonderful childhood.
20+ years later, my kids are grown, living their lives, and here I am, getting the silent treatment for whatever offense I committed that deemed the silent treatment...
And, while I know that going through this process of what he will probably call, "The End Of The Partnership," is gonna suck and neither of us are going to have a good time, but at the same time...
I CAN'T WAIT!
At this point, it's like I am living with his dad. He reprimands me like a child. I have so much dislike in my system from him and his toxic negativity, but at the same time, as stretched thin as it is, I still have a pang of sorrow, because most of his history is terrible, abusive towards him and his mother, by his father.
That doesn't mean that I have to go through it to the very end. You haven't lived with him, you don't know what he's like at home.
In my way of thinking, I feel that my kids and I gave him a family, for as long as he would allow it. He was a great role model for Darlin' D, but not so much my Young Son.
He treated Young Son like his dad probably treated him.
Still no speaking. There have been a couple of text exchanges...nothing worth mentioning, he has no clue even why he is mad at me at this point. Something about dog manuvers?
Oh, and I'm not trustworthy anymore...I don't act like myself...This is not the first time he's done this, and every other time I was desperate to "fix" it, to be "worthy."
Fuck that. I don't need any validation from his addel-pated mind that I am worthy. He knows he is wrong, he is in over his head, with his bla bla bla, and bull shit lame ass accusations.
Even if it comes in a zip lock bag, he will rebag it.
Even if it comes in a zip lock bag, he will wrap it in foil.
Right now, he is running the sweeper, very loudly, bumping into furniture and such.
He ran the sweeper in the hallway in front of my work room, for 15 minutes.
07/23/2021 - Friday
He's painted himself into a corner. He will never admit that he is wrong, so it is just a matter of time.
Living with someone with a mental illness, diagnosed or not, depending on the depths of denial the affected, is not easy.
I'm no expert, I have no diploma. I'm just sharing what the heck is happening in my life.
My son came to visit.
Still no speaking. Play Nice xxoo
Someday...
I won't be woke up by him playing the same song on You Tube on full volume at 4ish a.m. There are a couple more that he plays on the regular, but this one is getting the most play time at the moment. Day, Night, Morning, doesn't matter.
I won't wake up with a feeling of dread in my stomach.
I won't be so freaking nervous all the time.
I won't be glared at constantly.
And...
I won't have to pretend that I don't hear him whispering to himself right in front of me, or him whooping in the kitchen at all hours.
I won't have to pretend that I don't hear him arguing with himself (?) in the bathroom mirror.
I will be able to say the word "stuff" as much as I want.
The only one that is ever going to be able to pull the rug out from under me, is me.
06-17-2021
I was in my work room, listening to an old radio show, Fibber McGee & Molly, while I was working on a project. He came stomping in, loudly telling me to turn it down, and slammed my door shut.
I opened the door, turned the volume down...he stormed in, "I said turn it down!" Of course the door was slammed.
I opened the door, found my earbuds, and continued to listen to what I chose to listen to.'
While he has a John Wayne movie playing in the family room, with the volume wide open.
7-20-2021
Two weeks of no speaking as of today.
xxoo Play Nice!
