Friday 10/29/2021

 Another rainy day here.  Which means I won't get a break from him today.  

I've been in my work room, Luckily for me I have gotten a few orders to fill.  That makes me happy.

So, I'm staying back her in my little corner of the house.  Doing my best to stay away from him.  The fact that all he does is sit in the kitchen, drink coffee and smoke cigarettes, means I'm going to have to be in the same room for a moment or two now and then.

Just now, and this freaked me the fuck right out, he came in here, got about 2" from the side of my face, just looking at me, with his eyes all wide.  I said, "What?  What?"  He stayed there for a beat, then said, "Oh, I don't know," and walked back down the hallway to the kitchen.

WTF?  I have a feeling that this is some kind of ploy, to prove that he still has control of me.  I have a feeling that that might make sense in his mental state.

Someone shared info with me about reporting him to Adult Protection Services.  My problem with that is he can act like nothing is wrong, he's the nicest guy in the world, congenial, friendly, helpful.

It's hard to get anyone to believe me, to take me seriously.  

Play Nice!  xxoo

Etsy

Thursday 10-28-2021

Just about every evening, when he realizes that I am turning off my bedroom light, and going to listen to a podcast to go to sleep to, he makes a point to come to my bedroom door, like he's my dad or something, to holler at me to, "TURN THAT SHIT DOWN!  I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY OF THIS!"

Woke up this morning, first at 1ish a.m. to a repeat concert of his limited playlist.

2nd time was 5ish a.m.  This time was hilarious laughter, some whooping, some hollering.

Out of bed at 8 a.m.  Had a shower, had some coffee.  It is a rainy day and I have to go pick up a Walmart grocery order between 10-11 a.m.  

Got that done, he came out to help unload my car, still no words spoken.

Oh yeah, what I really wanted to tell you is this.  Yesterday, because I had promised and I always keep my word, I wrote a check for the amount of money he had loaned me before my SSI started.  

Let me preface this with the fact that he has a ton of money.  But guess what?

He went out, in the rain, to cash that check.  $200.  Silly me, I was hoping that he would think that he had enough money, let the girl that has lived with you and taken care of you for 20 years, rip that check up.

I really am an optimist.  

At the same time, that's a really a blessing.  Solid proof that he is a greedy, miserable old man.

Probably sounds awful, but that gives me confidence to move forward even more.  

There are big things coming my way, and I am ready to accept them!  

I'll keep you posted.

Play Nice!  xxoo

The Beginning

 I received my first SSI deposit today.  I cannot tell you what a feeling of relief that gives me.

No more do I have to ask him for anything.  If I want it, I will either get it or save up to get it.  

For the first time in about 5 years (not sure exactly how long) I have a steady income.  Every month.

Can you imagine what that might do to someone that has counted on being in charge because he has all the money?  No more control!  

Ha!  

This is the beginning of some really big changes.  

Play Nice!  xxoo

Lonely

 This is the most alone I have ever felt in my entire life. 

I like being alone.  I enjoy my company.  But this is on a whole different level.

I have to make allowances for the crazy shit that comes out of his mouth.  

I don't even go into the living room in the evenings to watch tv with him.  I just go to my room and watch what I want to watch on my tv.  Then I go to sleep.

In the morning I will be woken up by his normal You Tube serenade, around 4:00 am.

Smooth Operator... Black Jack, do it again...Call me...there's one more, but I can't recall it right this minute.  Edit:  Ricky don't lose my number, and Charlemange

I am at the bottom, striving to rise to the top.  Once I get out of this toxic cess pool we call a home, I'll be fine.

Play Nice!  xxoo

Monday 10/25/2021

 Same song, different day.

He has stopped yelling FU in my ear for the last few days.  Probably just jinxed it now.  I'll let you know.

My daughter, her little family is in Germany, Air Force, y'know.  

He tried to intimidate her over messenger.  She had no part with it.  She called him out on every single thing he had said to her.

You know what?  This doesn't matter, not one bit.  Because he's only speaking to me if he wants something done, or to feel in control he feels he needs to tell me to take care of our dogs...as if I have never had dogs before.  Effing control freak.

I have, and I've probably said this before, zero affection for him.  Z.E.R.O.

Also, respect, compassion, empathy, all those emotions, G.O.N.E.

I am gonna go stretch out, hopefully have a good, uninterrupted sleep, but ya never know, do ya?

Play Nice!  xxoo

Exhausted

 I am tired.  I am tired of my legs trembling, as well as my whole body, as soon as I wake up in the morning.

My sleeping was so ragged last night, I actually had to pick my bedspread up off the floor.  Stayed in bed until 11 am, too.

At any given moment, he will come into my work room to yell FU in my ear.  

I have to start getting ready to escape.  

When he gets me in this frame of mind, I feel trapped.  Like ropes around me.  I wish I was strong enough to stand up to him.  

Tonight, as I sit in my work room, listening to him playing the same songs on his phone. 

Smooth Operator is one of them.

Ricky don't lose that number...

If I could share with you the absolute loss I am feeling.  I know he isn't mentally well, and that will be found before too long.  A person can only hide a mental illness for just so long.  And then, hopefully some care giving institution will take care of him.  

Oh my gosh, in the beginning of our romance, we were peas in a pod.

I was working 4 jobs at one point, he made sure my kids got to school and home afterwards.

His mom, Janie (her real first name was LaRue), and I became fast friends.  I had lost my mom in June of that year..  I really loved Janie, too.  Anyway

His dad, Dean, and I became friends, too.  After Janie passed he would help me with making dinner.

Dean loved our cat, PorkChop, too.

Today is Thursday

 I sold a cigar box from my etsy shop, I'm tickled about that, mailing it off tomorrow.

Been working on some Christmas wall hangings, I'm liking how they are coming out.  They'll be in my shop in November.

The situation at home...the last time I spoke to him (before today) was on Tuesday, I thanked him for making coffee.  

"Don't thank me, it's just there."

Following his lead, which clearly shows that if I open my mouth he is going to react in a negative way, which I am getting pretty sick and tired of, I have not spoken to him since then (until today).

On Tuesday afternoon, he so cordially came back to my work room and asked, "Don't you want to suck a paleface dick?"

I did not respond.

Wednesday was quiet, nothing said by either of us.  Oh, besides him telling me to take care of the dogs, pffft.

I almost thought yesterday afternoon, he was acting a little less crazy, but he made up for that today, let me tell you!

My sister just had surgery on the vertebrae in her neck last week.  She lives here in the same town as I do.  

Today I went and got she and I a tenderloin (to split), and some Qs, then we went to the park by the lake and ate lunch.  It was a lovely time.  We went back to her house and just had a nice couple of hours.  

He was gone when I left.  Of course I did not leave a note, we're past that.

I came in, greeted the canines, and they were excited because I had been petting kittys at my sister's.

I'd been home about 10 minutes, he came back here saying something about palefaces and dicks...I told him to just leave me be.  I've been leaving him be, just leave me be.

He:  This is my house!
Me:  Yep
He:  You act like you think you own it.
Me.  Nope
He:  Oh blah blah blah, no no no no, nope, then he stomps back down the hall.  

I hate living here.  Any feelings I ever had for him are gone.  No loyalty, no respect, no love at all. 

Yes, I know he's mentally not well, but I'm not programmed to handle this sort of rage and anger by myself!  It just isn't fair for me to have to put up with his bullshit day in and day out.  

Play Nice.  xxoo

What I really hate...is the hate I feel for him.  I don't want to be that kind of person, but what, exactly, should I feel for him?  The last 10 years has been all about his mental trauma, as a child, due to his parents.  I can't fix him!  His behaviors were caused by his parents.  A mean dad and a docile mother.  

He was a breech birth, his mother was 40 years old.  I can't imagine the childhood he had.  

But...that has nothing to do with me.  I have tried for the last 10 years to keep this whatever it is we have, level.

And now...I am going to get the "F" outta here, and live the rest of my life in peace and harmony.  I've done my duty.  I can't fix him.  

Done.  

Monday Morning

 At the moment it is 10:07 am.  I have been awake since 7:30.  

He came in my work room to shout in my ear.  

I went to the kitchen to rinse my coffee cup, he sang another chorus of the fuck you song.  I must have looked amused, because he got up and pushed me down the hall, and tried to grab my head, I pushed him back, told him to get out.  

I started some laundry, he informed me that this is his house.  

But he still can't tell me why he is upset with  me.  He just keeps mocking me.  

I've started gathering things in a backpack, in case I need to bug outta here for a few days.  

May update later, not sure how the day is gonna progress.  

Play Nice!  xxoo

Etsy

Sunday, 10-17-2021

 As I was waking up this morning, I thought I hear him say my name.  

I went to the kitchen, and asked him if he had called out to me.

He said, "No.  But I will be yelling at you later."

He came in my bedroom last night, to get in my face and yell, "Fuck You!  Do you hear me?  Fuck You!  Fuck You!  Do you hear me?  Fuck You!"

Then he stands up and says, "I'll be back to yell at you later."

So I went to sleep.  It wasn't a very restful sleep, but doze I did.  

Then woke up to that.  

He hasn't yelled at me yet, but I think he's more playing mind games with me.  I'm doing my best to keep my outside appearance calm and peaceful, but inside me, I am quivering.  And I hate his behavior for making me feel this way.

That's all for now.  He's at the golf course at the moment.  Who knows what will happen when he gets home?  

I'll fill you in, if I am able.

Play Nice.  xxoo

P.S.  Etsy.  Share with everyone!  

I Knew This Was Coming

I have to admit that it took a little longer than I thought it would, but the time has come.  All this "stuff" that is happening, with the golf boys, the truth is out.  I am the culprit.  

I designed the whole thing.  It was all my plan.  Not sure what my motive was, or my expected end result was, but there it is, in black and white.

Yesterday I was a "trustworthy paleface."  Today I'm having "Fuck You" shouted into my ear, along with the spittle sprayed on my cheek.  This has happened numerous times this afternoon.  Chime in with some gorilla noises (yes really).  

I made the involuntary mistake of chuckling at some of his antics.  That did not go over well. 

There's no talking to him.  He just shouts over my words.   I tried in the kitchen, I knew the outcome.

Back here in my work room...he stomped down the hallway, that crazy, angry, out of control look in his eyes.  

"Stare!  Stare why don't you?"  insert gorilla grunt here 

I asked him to just leave me be.  "Why?  You won't let me?"  Told him I was trying to, he just keeps coming back.

He hasn't' been back since, but I'm not convinced that he won't be at any given time.  

Dumb ass, I'm all he has left.   

 Gonna post some more burnings in my etsy shop tomorrow.  

Play Nice!  xxoo

 

Crazy Update

 So, for about a month we were able to get on a level ground.  He wasn't upset with me, we were chatting and laughing together like old times.  After they played golf, I would go up to the clubhouse, fill a cooler of beers and we'd all sit under a big shade tree to drink a couple of beers and share knowledge.

I even made a sign for the tree.  "Beer Tree."

You, you reading here, know that I have been trying to convey my concerns to the golf boys regarding how things have been going at home.  Gotta say there wasn't much interest or concern shown by them.

But now, well, he's shown himself at the golf course.  And now he's out of the golf group, which means, yep, he's here all the damn day.  

Thanks to those golf boys, for turning their backs on their so-called "friend."  I told them I needed help, and they just left us high and dry.  

Now I have him here all day, and he's not a happy camper.  I have to be very careful with my words because who the heck knows what is going to upset him.  Even the word "ok" is suspicious to him.

He took the dogs for a walk today.  I put their harnesses on them, handed him the leash and said, "have fun."  

"Have fun why?"  Me:  "Why wouldn't you?"  He:  mumble mumble

Jesus Lord, I am a miserable unit.  But no one would know it on the outside.  

He's in the kitchen having a conversation with himself (or whoever), and laughing.  And I have to overlook this.  I have to pretend it isn't happening.  But by God, I better not say the word "stuff," or that will put him in a freaking tail spin.  

I am working so hard on staying in a positive mood, and for the most part it's working, but underneath it all, I am sad, exhausted, anxious, and cannot for the life of me figure out the best course of action.  I'm afraid that there is no best course.  

I really hate feeling stuck.  I wish my daughter was in the United States.  

Play Nice!  xxoo

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