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Sunday, June 20, 2021

Dealing with the Insanity

 This is going to be an ongoing, and probably pretty long blog post.  I don't know if I will ever publish it, but there are times when I just need to get these things out of my mind and heart.  I can't guarantee chronological order, because this has been going on since 2012, just as soon as my daughter and her little family went to Germany the first time.

He's been getting steadily worse, daily, weekly, monthly, never seems to stop, and I doubt that it will.  

Today, he went to the grocery store to get stuff for us to grill out.  Our dogs, Maria and Mario were out in the back yard.  I heard him come in the back door, then I heard him say, "Maria, tell Mom to come help me."  I went to the kitchen, and told him if he needed help carrying groceries in, to just holler at me.  He said something about just yakking at Maria.  I said, "No, you are communicating to me through Maria."  

"No, No, No....just yakking."  His term for when he's said something that is crazy that I challenge. 

Turns out there wasn't enough left after his first trip in to warrant my help.  I carry all the groceries in when I pick up the order from Wal-Mart weekly, but he needs help carrying in 1 meals worth of groceries?  Jeez.

Another thing.  I often ask him if he is okay.  Last night we were watching YouTube in bed.  I have some that I like to wind down with, then put something on for us to go to sleep to.  All of a sudden he jumps up, which startled me.  I asked him if he was ok, he said, "Gonna go 'moke one, 'moke one, 'moke one."  This is not an ordinary phrase he has used, I'd never heard it before, which put me on edge right then and there.  

2 minutes later he's getting back in bed, asking me in a snitty voice, "Are you ok?"

This morning he called my cell phone after he left for the golf course.  It rang once.  I immediately called him back, and the call was declined.  I sent him a text, saying, "Did you mean to call me?  Did you hang up one me?  Are you ok?"

I got a text back, saying, "Wrong number, hit the hang up by mistake.  Are you okay?  I answered yes.

Apparently the question "are you okay?" makes him upset.  Kinda like the word "stuff."

From now on I will just ask him what's up?  Fucker.  It's a simple question, Yes or No.

And the door slamming!  Oh my gosh.  I have three mirrors over my desk, to reflect light in a one window room.  He has slammed his bedroom door so hard so many times I have given up straightening them.

In the Material World, he'd give me about anything I wanted within reason.  In the Emotional/Physical World, it's a void for me, as long as he get's his physical needs met, all is well.  And I do, because it's easier.  If I withold, the door slamming intensifies, the anger is scary.  I have feared for my life more than once.  Just in August and September. 

Edit 06/20/2021

I am going to publish this, because it is still going on and I am still hanging in there.  I cannot tell you how hard it is.  I walk on eggshells, keep my tone of voice as light as I possibly can, but he's still angry and confused most of the time, unless his is on the golf course.

He suggested going to Culver's today for a fish dinner.  Culver's is about a 30 min drive from here.  I didn't feel like driving, and he is not a good driver right now, so I said nah.  

He went to get himself an ice cream cone before he came home from golf.  That's okay with me.  But he has been "pouting" since he's been home.  The words he has spoken to me have been sharp.  

If he wanted to go somewhere here in town, wouldn't be a problem.  I just didn't want to get on the highway today.  My intuition told me it wasn't a good idea.  

So, I may be having a delicious pot pie for dinner, which I don't mind.  And I'm probably going to get the silent treatment, and he probably will say he's not tired at bedtime.  So I will go to bed alone, which I don't mind.  

I'm done pandering to his every whim, and I will not allow myself to be upset by his childish actions.  

Play Nice.  xxoo