Happy Birthday to ME!

 Today I turned 62 years old.  Or,as I like to say, Level 62.

Last year for my birthday, he absolutely ignored the whole day, sending gifts to my daughter in Germany for some reason...never wished me a happy birthday, nothing.

So, last week, I had the brilliant idea to fry up a bunch of chicken legs to take to the golf course to celebrate both of our birthdays.  His is 9/3.  That way there would be no way for him to forget.

The chicken legs turned out great!  So many compliments, and I made enough for everyone to have some the next day, too.  

He didn't forget.  He chose not to acknowledge.  He made the same choice this morning. 

Me:  Good Morning
He:  It is a morning.
Me:  *seeing as he's not left or made any coffee for me, I proceed to make it myself..
He:  *goes outside with the dogs, and stood where I couldn't see him from the table.
Me:  *gets up from table to get my coffee.
He:  *goes to his bathroom, chortles and chuckles at himself in the mirror.
Me:  *went to take a shower.
He:  *gone to the golf course.

So...I'm curious if he will call me to come have beers with them at the golf course today.  I usually go up when they have 2 more holes to play, fill up a cooler, and we all sit under the shade tree to visit a little bit.  

But...since it's my birthday, and they boys will be give me attention, the narcissist in him can't handle that, so I doubt I will get a call.  

I've learned in this old world that "you get what you give," and this whatever he is of mine is going to get what he gives back.  He has absolutely shredded any feelings of loyalty, friendship, relationship, loving feelings, it's all gone.  

It has taken 8 years, and countless tantrums to totally destroy us.  

And now all I have to do is stay calm, cool and collected.  He is a lost cause.  

I will remind you to Play Nice, but I can't promise that I'm going to, especially the next few days.  xxoo

Sunday Update

 I tell you what, I am about sick and tired of walking on eggshells.  He has been trying to be angry with me for the past 2 days now, today being giving me the silent treatment, again.  

We had what I thought was a good week, but of course he has to make up some "wrong" that has befallen him, probably by me, Pffft.  I've done nothing but bend over backwards this week to keep him level.  

He simply cannot communicate as an adult.  He is so over his head right now.  He can not conversate.  All he can do is repeat the same old stories, from long ago and far away, the way he remembers them.  

He decided not to play golf today, lucky me.  I've been in my work room all day, and will continue to stay out of his line of fire.  

I probably don't need to say how much anxiety I am feeling.  But guys, it's thick and tense in this house.

I have a sneaking suspicion that me starting to get my SSI payments, has somehow threatened him.  He won't have control of me moneywise, and before too long I won't need him.  I will no longer be so totally dependent on him.  1 more month.  Just one more.  Get through September, I can do this.  

You know, that can't be right, because I would think that this would be a good time to get on my good side, make my life here a little less stressful, because he needs me way more than I need him.  

But, again, he wouldn't do that because he's incapable.   Incapable of remorse, regret, or being wrong.  He cannot accept responsibility for his actions.  Always "someone/something" else  

At the moment he is giggling and laughing in the kitchen, using his high voice.  

Are you as surprised as I am that I am not insane yet?  Maybe I am?  I hope not.  

Play Nice!  xxoo

PS  *I've been posting in my etsy shop every couple days, come take a look.  

Newly Elder Thoughts

 It's so weird getting to be this age.  I'll be 62 at the end of this month, and my Social Security starts in October.  

I've never been this age before, so now, as ever, I'm just winging this.  We all are.  But wow, I know I don't feel any different than I did my whole life.  I know I'm a lot smarter than I used to be, but I was just winging it then, too.

I am actually looking into 55+ neighborhoods.  

I have to remember to ask for a senior discount, and that is weird as well.  

When the Corona Virus reared it's ugly head, I was surprised when our neighbors came over to check on us.  "We" are now the young elderly in our neighborhood.  

Next time you see an elderly person, try to remember that we are only as old as we feel, and most of us are still very young at heart.  We look "different" but most of us are still sharp as tacks, and can come up with a quick, sassy, sarcastic remark as easily as you youngsters can.  The truth is, we don't hold back, nor care if you approve of anything we have to say or do.  We have earned the right to say what we mean and do what we want.

Play Nice!  xxoo

Tuesday

 He keeps telling me, via text, that he doesn't know what I want.

I don't want anything from the ordinary.  Basic decency.  

He went out to the patio this evening    Thinking along the lines of communicating, I went out there, too.

I started one conversation about the tomato plants, He got up and walked away.

To test this, I waited until he sat back down and asked him about the weather.

He got up and walked away. 

Truce

 It had been 30 days on August 6th, and I have to admit, the tension and the toxicity around here was taking a physical toll on me.  I was weak, shaky, and just did not feel good at all.

He came home from golf.  I asked him if he was tired of all this yet.  He said, "We can call a truce."

A truce means that he does not have to acknowledge nor talk about his actions the last few days.  

A truce means that I have to swallow my indignation at being treated that way.  

But, a truce means the tension is lighter, and I'm feeling better.  Physically that is.  Emotionally, not to be a drama queen, but emotionally I am still pretty crushed by the hate and disrespect that he has shown me...

Then I have to remember, diagnosed or not, I know he has a mental imbalance.  I know this is beyond his feeble control.  And every chance he gets to stay in control, he is gonna take.  

So, the next time that he gets a notion that he can say whatever he wants to me, I am going to follow suit.  The next time (and you know there will be one) I am not going to be the quiet, take it, girl.  Being quiet didn't work, so maybe I'll just pull out as much crazy as he does and let him have it!  Can't hurt, right?  

I know no one is reading my posts now, and that's ok, it's more of an outlet at this point anyway.  

Who knows, maybe some person will stumble across it and maybe it will help them through something they are going through.

Whatever, I am going to keep updating about this.  I have a feeling that we are on the downward slope in this illness, and when the time is right, I'll have some friends to help me.  I don't think it will take very much longer.  

Ultimately, wouldn't you think that he knows something is wrong?  I mean, maybe not?  Maybe seeing people that I can't and having conversations with them seems normal to him.  It has been 8 years that this has been going on and it isn't getting any better.  

So, Pray for Me, for strength and kindness, and Play Nice!  xxoo

Day 26

 Our friend, Steve, and his dog, Isabella, came to visit me.  I don't know where "he" was, I think maybe out poop-scooping...

I am miserable.  My legs tremble.  I am still not going to stoop to his level of immaturity.  

What I finally realize, is that he is not capable of adult conversation.  

We've had the "same" conversations several times. Over and over and over, word for word.  

Can you imagine?