Getting Older

 I wonder sometimes what would have happened if I had made a different choice.  

But then, I think, I love my kids, and I love my grands.  So why would I have done anything different back then?  

Now, though...my kids are grown.  Of course they still need me, but they aren't dependent on me.

In my mind, I have done my maternal duty.  I've been a good mom, I've raised 2 good kids, I have 3 grands that I love to death.  I want to help him, my whatever he is, but he blocks me at every turn,.  

His undiagnosed illness is affecting me in a huge way.  I don't like being on an emotional yo-yo.

The word I was looking for is "outgrown."  I've outgrown him.  I don't want to keep on having the same old conversations, word for word.  Every. Single, Time.

He started telling the golf boys about my hematoma back in 2005.  I cut in, saying they have heard this story a hundred times, but he still told it, word for word.  16 years ago, and he's still telling the story!  

So here's my dilema:

• He has helped me raise my kids, but never bonded with Gator.  
  
• he's been good to Danielle and her family.
• He has been supportive in my crafty endeavors
• He pays all the bills, and has provided me with cars of my own.

But for the last 9 years, his mental capacity has dwindled.  He is still able to play golf with his friends, but with me, he is angry, ugly, mean, probably everything he is feeling with his mentalities are  damaged.

He is very moody.  I have to be very careful as to how I approach him.  And I still go to bed every night praying that I wake up the next morning.  I have grands, I can't leave now!

Soon.  Very soon.  I am going to be able to live the life I have been wanting for so long.

Play Nice!  xxoo