Tired

 Guys, I'm tired and weepy.

Yesterday afternoon was another tirade of hate yelled directly into my right ear, so close I could feel his spit on my cheek.  

Would the police call that abuse?  I don't know.  

I had a police officer come visit me a week ago, while "he" was at the golf course which freaked me right out.  Oh, but after the tirade that morning before he went to the golf course, I drank a beer.  On a Sunday afternoon, in my home.  

Anyway, this police officer decided that I was being irrational, "drinking all day" at 1:30 in the afternoon...I wish he could put my shoes on and see how my life feels.  I bet he would not like that one bit.  It's humiliating, it is the most alone feeling I have ever had.  

I am NOT Mother Teresa.  I have a breaking point, and I may be getting close to it.  This toxic environment isn't doing me any good.

I talked to a friend today that has some rental property, he may be able to hook me up with a sweet deal next month.  We'll see.  I ask once, and if it's forgotten, then that's that...

I know that something good is coming, after all these years of emotional abuse.  I am trying my best to not get in the way of how things should progress, but dang, this way of life is hard!  

I'm not sleeping very well, my guts are in knots, I have an inner body tremble, my hands are shaking, and my knees are weak.  

This is me, every day.  Hiding out in my work room or my bedroom.  Cringing when I hear him walk down the hall...slamming his bedroom door (that he does not sleep in, he prefers the sofa, weirdo) so hard that it shakes the house...

I told my friend today that I am sure everyone is tired of hearing my same old poor me song, but dammit, this is new to me, too.  Every day is just another trip down Crazy Lane for him. 

To have someone I loved just turn into a terrible, awful person right before my eyes.  It's taken 9 years now, and I promise you there is no getting better.  And I have no freaking idea how it is gonna end up.  

I don't think I am at the end of my rope, I feel that I can still stand strong, but dang, I'm sad and I'm tired.  

Play Nice!  xxoo

Etsy