You Know...

 ...all I had to do was have sex with him.  

I am sitting here in my kitchen, looking at my home, with my belongings that have belonged to me for forever, and that thought popped into my head.  It's not the first time, but today I gave it a little more thought.

I wouldn't have been homeless for a year, but I wouldn't have had the opportunity to be at my sister's when her boyfriend was so sick and ultimately passed.  

I'd probably still be drinking.

I wouldn't have been worried about money, but I wouldn't have had the opportunity and blessing to have the relationship with my son that is growing as he matures and heals from his wounds, physically and mentally.

 I wouldn't be where I have always wanted to be.  In a tiny little apartment, by myself, with all the things I choose.  

And, Greg.  I would have never met and fallen in love with Good Boy Greg. 

Most importantly, I wouldn't be happy.  

I am happy.  I can breathe freely.  There are still a few loose ends to tie up, and they will be in time.  Until then, I get to become who I am now.  

I'm calling this my "Chapter 3."

Chapter 1 - Growing up
Chapter 2 - Working / Parenting
Chapter 3 - All About Me

I know that sounds selfish, but dang, I've been everything for everyone and that's just a fact.  We all have been, I'm not the only one.  

(Side note:  I will always want to help my family/friends in any way that I can.)

It's time for me to be who I really am,  and time at this stage of the game, is pretty precious to me.

My grandkids are far away and growing up so fast!  They haven't seen me in person for it feels like forever, but probably 4 years.  They are coming to visit this Summer and I can't wait to see them!  

And I want to be the real grandma, not the deep down scared one they used to know.  Honestly, I hid it well from them at least, I think.  They may not notice a diff, but my daughter will!  

Anyway, back to the subject...

I am so glad I didn't have sex with him.  

Play Nice!  xxoo

PS  (We did have a nice sex life at one time, but his actions outside of the bed made it impossible for me to be intimate with him anymore.  That was the real root of his frustration along with his mental and behavioural conditions.  I didn't use it as a tool against him, I just couldn't.  Even now, just the thought...nope.  My heart won't let me.)

PS  Also, my 1 year of sobriety anniversary was Friday.  I am amazing.

So...

My boys came to visit me last night, and while I love my boys, I also had plans in my head how I was going to spend my evening, but better than being ignored, I guess. 

My sister, Mary, finally took her car to a mechanic to see why it wouldn't hold a charge but he couldn't find anything wrong with it?  I love her.  Poor old thing.  Tomorrow David's family are going to hold a "Celebration of Life" for him...5 months after his death, on the day after what would have been his birthday (today)...I told her I'd go with her if she wanted to go, but she declined.  I don't blame her, his whole family is just like him.  Abrasive, harsh, crude...and besides, all the lies he told her that we found out the truth about, her memory of him is very tarnished.  

Just like mine is of Jack.  They were great in the beginning, but what they ultimately did ruined everything. 

I have been mentally grappling with myself, wanting justice/revenge/my side of the story to be heard, but none of that matters now.  It's in my head.  The people that I want to know the truth don't give a flying flip about me, that's painfully obvious.  I just gotta get over it myself, and eventually I will.  

My Young Son, on the other hand...well, I'm just thankful for Bryan being able to talk him down, somewhat, but Gator still wants his ounce of flesh.  I don't blame him one bit.  I told him to wait and let Karma take care of it, so he said, "My name is Karma."

He's my "Young Son" but in reality he is a Grown Man.  I have zero control over what he does.  I can advise, warn, and caution, but not control.  

And here's a wake up call for you younger adults.  It may be kinda hard to swallow but here's what I've learned.

You can't fix everyone's problems.  Even if you can see the solution right there out in the open where anyone can see it, maybe they can't.  They have to figure it out for themselves.  You can advise, warn, caution, share an experience, but that's it.  Even if you  have the power to force them to do something, and they do, they will resent you for it.  

Our job is to take care of ourselves, help others when we can, but the only person in this world that you can totally control is yourself.  

In other news...

Today I celebrate 1 year, 365 days, without a drink of any sort of alcohol.  After at least 40 years of daily drinking, the last 10 being drunk more than not.  I am a very high functioning alcoholic.  

I have to say that I kinda miss it, but not enough to break my streak.  The boys left a cold beer here last night, and it will stay in the fridge until their next visit, because if I drank one, I just know that would lead me straight down that same path, and I've already chosen the other fork in the road.  Ta Da for me!  

Play Nice!  xxoo

My sister made the top sign for my Octopus bathroom.

She really is cool.